Campus Ninja
Dear Campus Ninja
I have a serious problem on my hands, oh honored ninjutsu master. I accidentally fell in love with one of my friends that I work with on a regular basis. It started off innocently enough with me spitting mad game at her for hours on end, but then I came to a revelation. I truly have feelings for her. That was just the back story though; the problem is that she has Boo Lovin’ who she cares for. I can’t stand the thought of losing her to Boo Lovin’ despite the fact that it is too late. What should I do in this situation, Grandiose Lord of the Hidden Realms?
Sincerely,
Love Lackey
Dear Lackey,
If you truly care for this person, I believe that you should want them to be happy, even if this means you have to let them go into the big, manly arms of another guy. Be ever vigilant though my young ward, for if the relationship ends badly, you need to be ready to pick her up before she can even hit the ground. It’s called playing the rebound. It is a pivotal skill in both love and basketball, the latter of which is a sport that involves a ball, two hoops, and a large amount of people; just in case you didn’t know. As a ninja, I have no such problems, though we ninja never lose at anything including love, because the result is normally death or enormous financial debt.
Dear Ninja,
It is that dreaded time of year in which a hopping mammal distributes eggs across our lands. Yes, it is Easter. Over the years, the fluffy foe has hidden his eggs filled with sugary and monetary wealth, and I have been foiled in my attempts to capture his prizes. One year, I was beaten with an Easter basket by a small little girl in a frilly dress just as I reached down to grab the legendary Golden Egg. Since then, I have barely found any eggs during the hunt. So, great masterful sensei, how do ninja collect Easter eggs during the hunt?
Sincerely,
Grimacing in the Grass
Dear Grimacing,
I am quite familiar with the foe that you speak of, the ever dreaded perennial platypus. The foul beast arrives the same time every year, destroying crops, hiding TV remotes. Worst of all, it leaves its eggs everywhere for a weekend. Does it pick them back up!?! NO, the Easter bunny leaves us humans to take care of that once it has disappeared again. This has become a tradition of the human race, known as an Easter egg hunt. The only good thing is that they are filled with candies and currency, but I’ll tell you I just don’t like cleaning up after a strange looking mammal that can’t conform to nature’s rules. I collect Easter eggs using a secret technique known formally as Scattered Winds Crane Rush, which allows me to reach speeds nearing 350 mph. I don’t put up with mess on the field of battle or Easter egg hunt, so if someone pushes me, I push right back with more force. That is how I normally gather the most eggs at Easter egg hunts.
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