Questionable queries of a Campus Ninja
Written by Ninja | 
Dear Ninja,
It is a scary time in my life. I am a senior. Although many find this to be the ultimate reward for years of late nights, early mornings and constantly doing this thing that my professors call “studying”, I am terrified. See, I am hunting for the Holy Grail for recent graduates: a job. For some reason, many employers do not seem impressed by my B-average, and graduates in my major are not in high demand. Who doesn’t want a good looking, semi-intelligent guy who has a Bachelors of Science in Obscure Useless Factology, with a minor in Pig Latin? Oh wise, semi-omnipotent Ninja of Greatness, what should I do? How did you find a job right out of college?
From,
Struggling Senior
Dear Struggling,
The first thing I can tell you is that your major is worthless and was a total waste of time. In fact I would recommend you do some research and make sure you are going to an actual accredited university and that you are not just the target of an amazing practical joke. Personally, I was destined to become a ninja from birth. You see, I fulfill some ancient prophecy about a chosen one being born to save the world from destruction in 2012 (or something along those lines) and have been hand raised as a ninja since I was two months old. If you had an actual major, like underwater basket weaving, the best step would be to have a well crafted resume and connections. Even though it is a sad truth, if you know someone where you want to work, the chances of getting a job are much higher.
Dear Ninja,
On the last snow day, I became the victim of a heinous attack. I was walking around campus, minding my own business, when I was attacked. A mob of about 90 students appeared out of nowhere, pummeling me with frozen orbs of chilly doom. They were all dressed in their battle gear: White parkas, white gloves and white pants. I was not prepared for such a barbaric ambush, for I was wearing the favorite color of all great and stylish Ninja – black. I tend not to stray from the ninja color palette, for I hope to one day train with the great Ninja Clans of North Carolina. O astute master of stealth, how do you defend yourself during snowball fights?
From,
Chilly Billy
Dear Chilly,
You one day hope to become one of our clan? With such a pathetic excuse for stealth skills? You have a better chance of going into space without proper attire and surviving. You should know that stealth simply is blending into your surroundings. If it is white outside then dress in white, if it is dark dress in dark grays, and if you want to infiltrate the local fast food joint, dress as a regular customer. Also, you should always be prepared. You went outside in the snow without emergency snowballs prepared and placed in strategic areas? You were not watching your surroundings for an ambush? This lack of skill is insufferable. I am going to have to ask that you never write in again.
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